August 30, 2002 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 11
bigtips
My best friend has found his roots, and I feel left out
by M.T. 'the Big Tipper' Martone
Hi, Big Tipper!
My best friend recently returned from a month in Mexico visiting his cousins. Although he was born right here in the good ol' US of A, and we went to high school together in the suburbs, he now has embraced all things Hispanic. At first it was fun, maybe even a little exotic, as he told stories of Mexico and his experiences, including the sexual ones. But now, his rediscovered Latin heritage is becoming overbearing.
Okay, I understand that growing up in middle-class suburbia, looking different from everybody else and having parents who spoke Spanish at home presented some unpleasant situations. But it's like, all of a sudden, the cool guy I've been friends with since ninth grade, who liked techno and alternative rock, and even dved his hair blue one time, now listens to Mexican music all the time, puts down the American “way of life," and talks incessantly about the glories of Latin culture. He's not even fluent in Spanish, and took it in freshman year of college to brush up on it, but now always refers to himself as "Latino" and watches Spanish TV.
All this has made his mom and dad happy. who were both born in Mexico, but I've tried to persuade him to turn it down a notch. This isn't Miami, after all, and Latin pride can go only so far around here. I'm afraid he's going to make a fool of himself, or at least alienate his other less-understanding friends. Maybe he could get by on this new image if he looked like Enrique Iglesias or something, but average-looking MexicanAmerican guys can only go so far in Cleveland. How can I get him to keep feeling good about himself, without subjecting myself to an endless bombardment of Latin consciousness? I'm happy for his new-found self-esteem, but nobody likes a bore, whatever the nationality.
Wake Up and Smell the Cafi
Dear Amigo Desconsolado,
Welcome to what your parents went through when you came out. (If you're not out yet, may this experience provide you
Let
our
patience with their response.)
When someone discovers something that redefines their sense of who they truly are, they become infatuated with that new information and culture. And other people's infatuation is annoying to be around. I'm sure you also feel left out. Fortunately, infatuation is a stage, and new queers and the freshly re-Latinoed alike ultimately settle down, assimilate the new information and influences, and become the integrated, complex, socially bearable people they are supposed to be. (For example, I haven't insisted that all women are potential lesbians in at least fifteen years.)
all that, we've made a real connection, and I believe that if he were only interested in casual sex with me, he would have given up pursuit already.
He's a bartender, so he not only has a multitude of opportunities for anonymous sex, but he could also reveal my secret if we
had a falling out. He doesn't
appear to be the type who would do that, but news travels fast in the gay community, and I can't afford to develop a "reputation. "I'm only twenty-two, and this is no way to start off one's life. I really love this guy, and i don't want to miss out on the chance for a meaningful Arelationship because of my fears. I want to give it some time before I break the news. but at the same time. I don't want to come across as a "playing hard to get" tease. This guy has plenty of opportunities to find someone else, but I don't. I consider myself attractive enough to get by in the gay world, but herpes considerably lowers my desirability.
00 BIG TIPS
You are going to be supportive of his identity as he goes through this process, and on the occasions when he's too much of a bore, you'll just play with other people. He needs your friendship, not protection or control. Cleveland isn't Miami, so he has fewer supportive people around him. Suck it up and be one of them.
Dear Tipper:
I really need your advice! Earlier this summer, I was diagnosed with a chronic sexually transmitted disease genital herpes, to be exact. No, it's not cold sores that you get from kissing strangers, as some gay boys still believe. It's a miserable affliction of the genital areas caused by intimate sexual contact with an infected person.
In spite of constant public service announcements and awareness-raising concerning AIDS and other STDs, this was something that I can honestly say that I never expected to encounter. Yes, many of us have unprotected oral sex, and even anal sex from time to time, but I only had unprotected anal sex one time. And that's all that was necessary.
With that sermon off my chest, here's my conundrum. I've recently met a guy who has made all those butterflies in the stomach and youthful fantasies return with a vigor. He enjoys picking up tricks, and sees sex as pretty much a competitive sport. In spite of
advertisers know
...you saw their ad in the Gay People's Chronicle.
Should I tell him now, or keep him waiting? Or should I just give up on dating? I don't mean to be melodramatic, but having an STD in the gay mind means you're dirty or a slut, while having AIDS makes you into some sort of a martyr.
I'm no slut, but I'm not ready to sacrifice companionship for a lifetime of loneliness. With proper protection, the disease won't be transmitted, especially since I mostly enjoy performing oral sex on my partner, which doesn't put him in contact at all with the
infected area. Maybe I should just look to casual sex, and shelve relationships for the near future. I honestly have no clue on this
one.
Before I end this note, I'd just like to remind the readers what a real danger STDs are. That's the part left out in the porn videos and hot sex stories. Never have unprotected sex, even oral. Not every disease can be cured with a shot, or gain you public sympathy.
Too Young to be Celibate
Dear PermaCootie.
Hmm. So the real question is, should you trust this guy not to nare you out if you break up. That I can't tell you. Only you have been around him enough to decide.
I can tell you that there are an awful lot of people with herpes (about one fifth of all adult Americans), and they have both casual sex and relationships all the time. This is just the first person you're making a herpesbased decision about. Some people will have a hard time with it, but that means you need to get out there more, not less.
You're the same desirable guy you were before, now you just need to be more vigilant about telling the truth, and a little thickerskinned, because you'll get some rejections based on what you tell folks. You can't live your life afraid of what people will say about you. Pursue the ones you think are worth it. and let the chips fall where they may.
Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@adrizzle.com.
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